Dealing with Infidelity

How to handle a cheating spouse or lover.

Dealing with infidelity is one of the most painful relationship issues that a couple can face.

From the perspective of the person who is cheated on, the initial experience of dealing with infidelity feels something like this:

Your heart races and the bottom falls out of your stomach. You shake in your boots and wonder when time stopped. You ask yourself, "Can this really be happening?" Your brain replies with two responses. First, your logical mind begins looking for clues, "Is it real, how did it happen, how didn't I see it, and who is the other person?" While at the same time, your emotional mind screams back, "Oh my God! Why??? How could they do this to me? I thought they loved me?" All of these messages come shooting through your thoughts in an instant. And that's just what happens in the first 10 seconds.

The after effects of cheating and dealing with infidelity can be even harder.

If we find out our partner has been unfaithful, each person may handle infidelity differently, although we do share a common core set of feelings. We get angry -- "How dare you do this to me!" We feel sad, "I'm devastated that this happened." We become afraid, "How can I ever trust that this won't happen again?" Finally, we feel remorse, "I should have seen this coming."

These feelings cycle -- first you feel them all together and then slowly you begin to feel each one more profoundly, on a deeper level. This slower time can be the hardest when you are dealing with infidelity because you're circling around your emotions and analyzing them on a minute level -- often one memory at a time. Many people report thinking about their interactions with their partner over the past few months, searching for clues, anything that would have foretold what was happening; something that they can put their finger on and use in the future to prevent them from dealing with infidelity again.

The plain truth is that cheating can crush a relationship. In one hurtful act, a beautiful union can be shattered into a million tiny pieces. For many folks, they may never recover.  Being cheated on and the process of dealing with infidelity changes them forever.

How can you deal with this and not have it scar you permanently? The one and only answer here is to face it. Now we're not talking about tearing a band-aid off, but we are talking about looking at what happened and why. There is no miracle cure but there are remedies that can help you to heal.

As relationship coaches, we talk with hundreds of callers dealing with infidelity. Surprisingly enough, cheating is most often something that has happened in our caller's past that is coloring how they approach relationships today. The most common manifestation of a history of being cheated on is trust issues. How can you trust again when someone so close to you betrayed you in such a demeaning way? This is a good, and valid, question to ask.

When it comes to healing, there are stages everyone must traverse through, and we would be happy and honored to help you.

If you have just found out, we can help you to process your feelings and determine the logical steps that you need to take to ensure that you're safe and your most basic needs are being addressed. Things that become important at this time are: dealing with your children, setting boundaries so that you are not abused further.  The next step is looking at how you want to face the day-to-day issues so that you can do simple things, like going to work and maintaining your composure.

If you're past the initial shock, healing for both yourself and your partner are important. Do you want to stay together? How can you forgive? Have you ever really expressed your sadness and anger about what happened? If not, how can you do this safely so that your partner doesn't abandon you again? Ask Mars Venus Coaches can help here too. Forgiveness is always based on completely processing your feelings -- all of them. We can teach you how to do this. Remember, there is more to being angry than yelling and more to feeling sad than crying. Being cheated on brings all of these emotions up, and more.

Finally, if you're ready to move on, either together or solo, how do you really start over? What do you need to heal so that your next relationship is not plagued by this awful experience? The biggest question of all is… how can you make sure that you have forgiven yourself? Answering this question fully and honestly will help you to not bring this baggage to your next relationship.

What if you're already dating someone new? Your past does not have to act as a crystal ball for your future. You have the power to change that. It just takes having the courage to take a step.

The Ask Mars Venus Coaches are experts in helping clients to heal from infidelity. At all stages of the process, we are able to help isolate the core issues that you may be facing and work with you to heal them. Coaching is a partnership in the true sense of the word. Even if you only call one time, that too can help to get you started.

If you are suffering and have been the victim of a cheating spouse or lover, we want to help. Coaches are available 18 hours a day, 7 days a week. We help people with infidelity every day and would be happy to be part of your healing process too. If you're a first time caller we would like to offer you your first call for only $20. To learn more about this special discount, please click here.

Or, you can call 1-888-627-7836 and speak with a Mars Venus Coach for only $1.99 per minute.

Finally, we also offer recommendations for coaches based on your experience and our coach's expertise. If you would like a recommendation, please send us a brief description of your situation and we will send you some information about who would be the best coach for you to meet with. Please click here for a coach recommendation.

Remember, as painful as infidelity is, you're not alone. Please remember that in the days and months ahead.