Mars Venus
How to avoid the perils of sabotaging your relationship.

The Uncertainty Stage of Dating

How to avoid the perils of sabotaging your relationship.

Stage two of dating, called uncertainty, is the time to begin focusing on one person and on the possibilities that may lie ahead with this person. The goal of this phase is to figure out if you want to be in an exclusive relationship with your new mate. If the answer is yes, and it's mutual, then you move on to stage three, called exclusivity. If not, then you have to deal with the ending of the dating partnership.

Naturally, it takes some time to decide if a person is right for us. We're not talking about, "right for you forever" just "right for you NOW." Later in the relationship, you can ask yourself if this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Unfortunately, many singles do not recognize this as a necessary stage and mistakenly assume that if they are not certain, this must not be the right person for them. They unknowingly sabotage the potential for having a great relationship before it even gets off the ground.

Men and women both make mistakes during this stage that ruin their chances of creating a real relationship. These mistakes are the cause of a lot of unnecessary hurt and pain between partners. It is also the most common reason a person calls an Ask Mars Venus coach. Questions like, "Why hasn't he called me?" "How often should you go out with one person if you're not sure where it's going?" "Should we have sex before we're in a real 'relationship'?" and finally, "Why is his profile active on our dating site when he says he wants to date me?"

Some of the most common mistakes men and women make are:

In stage two, women tend to sabotage relationships in the following ways:

  • She pursues too much.
  • She panics and assumes that she has done something wrong.
  • She feels obligated or pressured to give too much- emotionally, mentally & physically!

In the uncertainty stage, when a woman doesn't understand where a man is coming from, she may panic. She may wonder why he is no longer coming on strong like in the attraction stage. This is the exact point where a woman has to completely resist the urge to pursue him. She has to give him the space to pull away so that he will become even more interested in her.

The worst thing a woman can do is call a man and interrogate him about his feelings toward her and the relationship. Her communication with him needs to remain friendly and positive, even if she is feeling like she's being ignored or has done something to cause him to temporarily stay away.

Perhaps the most common way to sabotage a relationship in stage two is for a woman to give too much, too soon, sexually. When a man's interest wanes, a woman may hope that she can regain his interest by fulfilling all of his desires. A woman can best move through the stage of uncertainty if she can enjoy a man's advances without feeling obligated. It is vitally important that a woman have a healthy attitude, good self-esteem, and be able to be flattered by his attention rather then compromise her position by trying to please him.

In stage two, men tend to sabotage relationships in the following ways:

  • He believes that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence - meaning that there are other female possibilities that may make him happier than the woman he is dating.
  • He doesn't test to see if he can make her happy - and doesn't create experiences where he can prove to himself that the woman he's dating isn't difficult or worse: high maintenance!
  • He starts wondering what's in it for him.

This is the time for a man to put away the perfect picture he has in his mind for a mate. He will certainly sabotage the possibility a relationship if he is saying to himself: "I like her but she is not what I thought I wanted." Even though she makes him happy! If he were to delve a little deeper into what is in front of him, he would give himself the opportunity to feel a special connection with his partner.

In stage two, a man must repeatedly test and experience the idea that he has the power to make this one special woman happy. He needs to be the one who provides on dates - doing all of the little things that will elicit a happy response from her.

This is not the time to focus on what his needs are or to question whether or not she can give him what he wants. The man who makes the mistake of focusing on his own needs in stage two is likely to miss the perfect woman for him. He should never make her feel guilty for not spending more time with him. Persistence is good, but it must be done in a non-demanding manner.

Even though this stage is fraught with questioning, doubts and insecurities, it is possible to move through the uncertainty without blowing the possibility of becoming exclusive. True, the initial excitement of attraction may have worn off, but this is the perfect time for both sexes to become more deeply interested in each other. Questioning is natural as a relationship gets off the ground - tread lightly through this stage and you will set yourself up for greater things to come.

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