Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: If A Man Doesn't Call For Two Weeks...
All Message Boards > Singles and Dating > When A Man Pulls Away
datemonster
My girlfriends and I had this heated discussion today over coffee. (Just to preface, I don't discuss my own dating emotional rollercoaster rides with my girlfriends, this place is my only outlet. Meaning my friends aren't knowledgeable regarding my insecurities, 90/10 issues etc. They know I'm dating so-and-so and that's about it.)

Two of us believe that when you're not in an established relationship (which in Mars Venus terms would be stage 1 and 2), a guy doesn't call you for 2 weeks or more? The writing is on the wall. He's not interested in knowing you further and you should go into NC for your own dignity's sake. Though NC most likely won't bring the guy around either.

However, the other two ladies were very much against this. They believe that women should not jump to conclusions, that a man may not call in a budding relationship for many reasons, and that in situations like that the woman should call once in a while to casually check in and be friendly.

Even though JG said in MV on a Date that a woman can check in with a call, he put down "fill your life up" as an equally valid option and I'm not a believer in the checking in. Maybe checking in at most ONCE and NEVER AGAIN. But maybe that's my own 90/10 issue talking and maybe I've let potential relationships slip through my fingers. What do you guys think?
Phoenix51
If a guy doesn't call for 2 weeks at any stage in the relationship it could well indicate lack/loss of interest. However, there are always exceptions, explanations, excuses, so you can't make a blanket judgement. In the early stages of course it is more likely they are just lukewarm but you never know. I would make maybe one friendly contact and then leave it up to them, whilst keeping all my other options firmly open!
Air
If I'd gotten a penny every time we have analysed this with my friends, I'd live in Monaco as a tax refugee.

As V's, also M's have different outlooks on this thing. My now ex-M was one of those guys that in the beginning could be calling/texting/meeting me several times every week, and then disappear for a week or two. Sometimes I initiated contact, but I mostly let him do it. If he had cancelled on us and then dissappeared, I carried on, deleting his number and thinking it was over. Then, after two weeks he would resurface like nothing had happened, asking me out for dinner.

I kept being upbeat every time he made contact (dealing with a CP ex-ex-M had taught me not to sound bitter after dissappearing/appearing acts), but then after four months and three such "episodes" later I bumped into him on a girls' night out. I had had a few drinks, and decided to confront him. It turned out he had not acted on purpose, realised how I felt -I told him if he just sporadically wanted something to cuddle, he should opt for a stuffed animal instead- and promised to try to keep my feelings in mind. We ended up being together for almost 5 years.

Of course there are Ms that simply disappear or just "are not that into you", but there are also some that genuinely do not get that us Vs might just jump to the emotional rollercoaster over these things.

Checking in a couple of times casually if you feel like it will not strip you of your dignity, but excessive clinging will. I think that there's a big difference between "Hi, a friend just cancelled on a concert next week, would you like to go?" and "I have not heard from you for a while, I hope you are ok! Give me a call, it would be nice to see you soon!"

The former is an honest, dignified invitation, the latter can make a jumpy M feel like the Spanish inquisition just rang the doorbell. He might let you know that he is not interested on both cases, but in the former scenario you have not lost your dignity. Then you can start never contacting him again.
datemonster
QUOTE (Air @ Aug 16 2007, 02:00 AM) *
If I'd gotten a penny every time we have analysed this with my friends, I'd live in Monaco as a tax refugee.


So true! Get more than three girlfriends together and we all become relationship experts arguing on a talkshow! rofl.gif

Air, what you said about friendly check-in vs. scary clingy message is very valid! I just feel that if the woman already has to do the "friendly check-in" regularly by stage 1/2, there's a good chance the man's emotionally unavailable, at least to the woman in question.

Phoenix, I guess I was thinking that starting stage 3 and beyond there's the whole caving/rubberbanding phenomenon. The man doesn't call for 2 weeks would still be a problem but the woman can probably gently test the waters and see if it's work stress or whatnot. If it's stage 1/2 then I support multi-dating and NC.
Northwestwanderer
A guy who contacted me that seldomly would just be off my radar until the point he contacted me again (if that ever happened). I don't even think it's worth thinking in terms of NC--he's just non-existant ;-)!
Tessaluv
HI ALL..

my feeling is this...
if a guy starts doing things that make you feel confused, upset, off balance, in limbo or emotional la la land...then pay attention to that!
i honestly dont think most women make a mountain out of the molehill..in fact..we tend to minimize, overanalyze and make excuses for the guys questionable behavior!

its pretty clear..that when a guy is "in it " and "interested" we dont start with all the worrying and trying to figure out what it all means..
and imo..thats how it should be.
occasionally a guy might step back a bit...but when they back off for long stretches..to me...for me...that is indicative of something..that the relationship connection is off track for whatever reason.

when i stopped reading into things and trying to figure it out..
it was very clear.
the ones who really liked me and were interested, i didnt have these issues with..and the ones who were vague, elusive , and leaving me
wondering all the time and feeling off balance..
IT NEVER WORKED OUT WITH THEM.

Just my take.
love,
Tessa
sfblue
I agree with tessaluv and everyone else here.

1. At very early stage, if a guy does not keep in touch consistently, I would just go on believing he does not exist until x dates.

2. After I donot know x dates/months of dating, if a guy has been consistently in touch, but suddenly backed off, I would be wondering. If I know he is stressed due to work or other things, I would give him slack. But to me, 2 weeks is too long (I can deal with 1 week) tongue.gif .
Yet everyone has his/her own tolerance level.
If I sense or know he is in uncertainty, then I will try my best to leave him alone to figure it out.

3. After many years of dating, I have learned it is the BEST that a man calls a woman.
When a man really is onto a woman, he will call sooner rather than later.

4. Even the man is in cave or stressed, if he really really like a woman and is looking for something serious, he will still check in fearing he might loose her. He may not do that as often, he may not plan a date, but he will check in.


All the above are based on my experience. The last point #4 is based on my current dating experience with a M who is going through major stress and life change, but remain in contact with me.
missea
"when you're not in an established relationship (which in Mars Venus terms would be stage 1 and 2), a guy doesn't call you for 2 weeks or more? The writing is on the wall. He's not interested in knowing you further ..."

Well, it can also be the difference in time with respect to Ms and Vs.
A week to a V = a day to an M, for example, especially when they are focused elsewhere.

In Stages 1 and 2, I think it is too early to determine an M is not interested because he has not called for two weeks.

I would like to know what the Ms on this board think.
AlasMyLove
I agree with missea, Ms have a different sense of time especially if they are uncertainty. In M/V on a Date, JG says something like just as time slows down for a woman, it speeds up for men. Two weeks or two months can go by and he suddenly remembers how much he likes a woman. It talks about if he has received a friendly msg., that hes not in trouble, that the V won't be resentful or punishing, then he feels free to make contact again.
Tessaluv
hi all..

just want to add that with dating, when i would first meet someone, it was no big deal for me if a guy called or we went out and i didnt hear from him for a bit..a week..two ..even three.
it was still very early stage..and hardly know each other..so i really didnt expect anything at that point.
so if a guy didnt call for a while i wasnt trying to figure it out..since i myself wasnt that invested in it.
But ..now if its a guy ive dated consistently..who called regularly...
and was intimate with...and THEN he started the "back and forth mambo" ...lol...Well then imo..its a whole different ballgame.
Sex changes everything.
once women have sex..we bond.
MEN DONT !
ITS JUST SEX FOR THEM.
we then expect More ..and figure "oh we are close..we are intimate..we are in a relationship"!
well that is not necessarily how men view it.
So, if ive dated someone consistenly..been physically close and then it starts to shift..RED FLAG.
thats just my experience and my opinion.
if they start wondering...needing space..."being confused"...lol
OH HOW UNORIGINAL THAT LINE IS FOR HEAVENS SAKE..
then beware!
some guys might genuinely be in a life crisis and path of uncertaintly..
but some are just bailing out slowly and quietly and i hate to say it ..but even somewhat cowardly...hoping they can get away without the confrontation or the "talk " that men so dread!
ladies..
i say..hold off on sex till you know the guy is crazy for you..
really pursues you..and has his heart invested in you.
dont give it away..it wont make him love you or fall in love with you.
Sex is way too available and easy ..and men can be like kids in the candy store..!
why committ to one flavor when they can have a few all the time??!!
my dad loved my mom and worked hard to get her...
he was never uncertain..
same with my sis and my brother in law.
they had plenty of issues which could have been dealbreakers..but the men could not be stopped..
they loved the women..and that was that..PERIOD.
JUST MY TAKE.
LOVE,
TESSA
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.