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> Can Emotionally Disconnected People Ever Have A Relationship?
Offlinelucky13
post 02/25/07 10:02 PM
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My bf and I had a rocky start, but he is a good person, hard worker, intelligent and I love him dearly. Its been rocky because he is 30 soon, and never had been in love or a seious relationship before. He is a self proclaimed "late bloomer" so I cut him A LOT of slack despite it being frustrating for me at times. He took months to decide h wanted ot be with me. I intimidate him he says. I am in my 30's and have a lot of dating experience. He says he wants a relationship with me after I broke up with him twice and started dating again. After much analysis on self searching on his part, he finally decided he wants to be with me. Im not sure that his extremely analytical nature wil allow him to be in a relationship. He was a mess after we broke up the second time and that event actually caused him to have emotions! A traumatic event. Is it possible for a human to be that disconnected emotionally? He has a very calm, monotone, as he calls it, demeanor. He is introverted, and internalizes everything. I am to a degree but not as severely as him. We are complete opposites in a lot of ways but cant stay away from each other for long. His approach is to "wait and see if things work out". Which means if something major is going on in his life it takes weeks to tell me, (this last thing, took two months, it was about his financial difficulties- hes still in school). If there is a problem between us he will wait a long time before he is ready to talk, and he has no goal for resolution, which I see as avoidance. I am aggressive in my life, and tackle things head on. Problem solving is the goal of a disaggreement or argument and we should be prepared to talk about it with resolve as ameans to an end. He clams up when i start asking questions like, "well what bothers you about my actions that I need to change"? or , "what do you want done differently if this way is a bother to you?" He says NOTHING! After he just complained that I am difficult to talk to and tell things to! It drives me crazy, and it makes the whole point of communicating pointless! What about my questions are so difficult to answer? What should my reactions or responses be to an introverted calculated person? Im am not a mindreader. I ask questions. I then get anxious that he is silent for a long time unresponsive and i begin asking direct questions that are viewed as too aggressive and "make him feel like hes being lectured, or like a dog with his tail between his legs" He then accuses me of not communicating well, and not being easy to talk to ! At least Im proactive and responsive, actively problem solving and not a dead weight! I told him I would try not to get anxious and tone down my response but since he took 2 months to think about it before telling me he should have some answers to my questions, or resolution ideas! I am upfront and very direct, open, and he comes from a family who barely talks. Whom I have not met yet by the way- after several months of dating. Is our relationship doomed? i dont necessarily want him to change but the wall must come down if he wants ANY relationship ! He has been told this by others in the past. I dont expect him to become a "lets talk about our feelings tonight honey" guy but at least include me in your life! Are people that emotionally disconnected destined to be alone, unable to hacve deep relationships?
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Offlinelillie
post 02/25/07 10:44 PM
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From: phoenix



I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. No one will be able to predict the outcome because all of us are different. I'd suggest that you look inward and assess whether your needs are getting met, despite his problems.

Assuming that he is emotionally disconnected, and assuming he chooses to change things, change will not come quickly. it took him almost 30 years to get that way, it will probably require some time for him to change. Are you prepared to ride this out with him no matter how long it takes?

Perhaps, you should set a timeline in your mind as to how long you will wait. Obviously, if he's activley trying you can extend the deadline. However, you may find that you will tire of his issues sooner than you think. Take care of you. This is his issue, not yours. You didn't break it so you can't fix it. You cannot do this for him

Best of luck
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Offlinewalkdanose
post 02/26/07 12:29 PM
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If you are back with him after breaking up with him twice, there is obviously something there for you that you feel will sustain a relationship with this man. Rather than have him further isolate and work on his issues, or your issues as a couple (being with you, trying to apese your needs) by himself, I would suggest engaging him and working on the issues together. Further, I would suggest making him feel more comfortable with you. Setting time aside when you first see each other during the day or the week is often a perfect time to do this. He probably feels very apprehensive about losing you again and this will cause someone to detach. I speak from both personal and professional experience. As far as his reluctance to engage you about his "problematic" issues, the realization that no one is perfect should come to mind. He might possibly be going through a transitional period in his life or he is facing something that he may consider very challenging at this point in his life. He may feel that he doesn't want to lose the support that you provide for him, if he were to fail in his endeavors. As far as setting a deadline, that has to be the worse piece of advice that could be given to you. His behavior is not maladaptive, abberant, benign and does not have an addictive or abusive quality to it (from what you have described). DO NOT PUT A DEADLINE ON HIM, this might cause him to further detach from you. Rather engage him about working on your relationship and play an active role as a partner in the relationship to resolve the problems that have arisen. If he refuses to work on the issue with you as a 50/50 partner, consider opening a dialogue with him about what is causing his detachment from your relationship and inform him that this is not acceptable. If he refuses to discuss the issues, then you must set a boundary with him and consider removing yourself from the relationship. Alternatively, if he is willing to open up a little and expresses some interest in relationship counseling, split the cost or find a program that utilizes intern counselors (at a college) and pursue counseling in your relationship. What matters is that you have decided to stay. You have made a significant statement about your integrity and dependability. He should respect you for this. Good luck to you
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OfflineSwing Dancer
post 02/26/07 02:16 PM
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To me you just sound like two people who are trying to make a relationship work but the relationship may not be workable. You are too direct for his introverted tendancies, and this may not be solvable.

Try to just even momentarily accept this idea and stop "fighting" for the relationship. If you can at least accept the idea that the relationship might not work you might feel more calm and relaxed for a moment. Then maybe some new answers will come to you. While you are in "fight" mode (fighting for the relationship) you brain is still actively conflicted. If you are in accept mode, your brain can more easily find solutions.

If you do decide to continue on trying to make it work with him, you can expect more of the same from him and you will end up doing all of the compromising of your tendancies. You will have to be willing to completely change your communication style. If you are willing to do that, then begin the changing now.

Swing Dancer
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