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10 Ways to Lose a Guy/Gal – Part 1

In the words of the Paul Simon song, there are 50 ways to leave your lover and probably more than 50 ways to lose your lover. We took a survey on "How to Lose a Guy/Gal in 10 Days" and came up with the top ten ways to turn a partner or potential partner off. Here are the results:

1. Get Caught in a Lie, Guy

The number one turn-off was dishonesty. Not being able to trust one's partner was a deal breaker for 50% of those who responded to the survey. "Trust is the foundation to a relationship!" said one respondent. Of course honesty is an important issue, but many people may not realize that those "little white lies" count as well. Especially in the early stages of a relationship, fudging the facts can lead a potential partner to seriously doubt whether or not they can trust you. It may not seem like a big deal to shave a few years off your age, overstate your income or paint a more (or less) colorful picture of your experiences, but, eventually the truth will come out. When it does, it will leave the person whom you lied to wondering just how trustworthy you are.

2. Don't Give it a Rest, Tess

Over 1/3 of respondents cited coming on too strong, being possessive, neediness or controlling/demanding behavior as being a turn-off. In the words of one survey-taker, "Coming on too strong too soon is an immediate potential relationship killer. I'm running for the door if in your last relationship the woman moved in with you after only two months and of course... she was the one... until you met me." Another said, "There is such a thing as giving too much. I once dated a man who continually thanked me for giving him the opportunity to meet me, brought me flowers, kept telling me how beautiful I was.... all in the first date. I felt I was on such a high pedestal; it would be impossible NOT to fall off."

Many women don't realize that it's important to let a man do most of the pursuing and that periodically a Martian needs to take a break from intimacy. It's as if he has eaten a large Thanksgiving dinner and is now full and snoozing in front of the football game on TV. He doesn't need intimacy any more than he needs another piece of pumpkin pie. At, we refer to this process of being close and then needing space as "rubber banding." When a man is in this phase, it is important for a Venusian to allow him his space.

Surprisingly, women also have issues when their partner comes on too strong. It might seem like a man who constantly calls, is always asking how they feel and wants to spend every minute of the day with them would be a dream come true. In actuality, for most Venusians this would be a nightmare. Venusians need to feel that their partner adores them and can fulfill their needs, but too much time and attention can cause a woman to feel that her partner is too needy. Venusians have emotional intimacy cycles similar to the Martians' need to rubber band. This cycle for women is called "the wave" and when the wave crashes, a Venusian has no emotional resources to expend on anyone. A partner who seems too needy is not going to be able to support her during this cycle and she will not be able to handle his neediness.

3. Just be Mean, Dean

Coming in third, 1/3 of responses specified that disrespectful and insensitive behavior would possibly end a relationship. "To me this is the worst of all -- When he does not take my feelings as seriously as he expects me to take his," commented one survey taker. Another said, "Forgetting things that are important to you --when he says "I don't care..." when I'm talking about something I am interested in." Martians and Venusians have different but similar primary needs. For Martians, acceptance, appreciation and encouragement are necessary while Venusians require understanding, respect and validation. Disrespectful and insensitive behavior violates these basic needs.

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