According to the
book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, men and women have very
different primary needs. Men need appreciation, acceptance, and trust. Women need caring, understanding, and respect. While we all ultimately share
the same needs, as you read this article, you will plainly see why some needs
are more important than others.
The Male Needs to be Appreciated
The primary need
for appreciation is generally confused with the need for respect. To appreciate
a person is to acknowledge that what they do, or how they express themselves,
is of value to you personally. Appreciation is an act of evaluating, while
that the value of our actions, intentions, results and decisions has been
received. It is the feedback that tells a man that his behavior has served a purpose.
If he can feel appreciated, then he is much more willing to explore and understand
why his actions have failed.
appreciation, a person begins to feel inadequate and incapable of giving support.
us to experience our intentions, decisions and actions as valuable. It is
the necessary support that inspires us to repeat an action that works or motivates
us to change what doesn't work. Even when we fail to achieve our desired results,
there is always something in what we did that can be appreciated.
appreciation, we lose our will to give. When a man fails to reach his goal,
if he is unable to feel that there was some value in his actions, he may give
up. Or, he may have the opposite reaction and stubbornly repeat the action
until he is appreciated.
Men are especially
vulnerable to this need to be appreciated. If a man is not appreciated, he
loses his motivation and becomes passive, lazy, weak, dependent, insecure, and apt to procrastinate.
a woman doesn't get appreciated, her reaction is quite different.
She tends to be even more motivated to earn appreciation. When her partner
ignores her, her first impulse is to try harder to please him. Expecting men
to do the same, she is confused when a man doesn't try harder to earn her
appreciation. She mistakenly assumes that he doesn't love her. When she is
not getting enough from a man, she may begin to unconsciously or consciously
manipulate him into giving more through withdrawing her appreciation. She is
then confused and resentful when he reacts by giving less.
Male Needs to be Accepted
When a woman is
critical of a man's behavior, she has no idea how damaging this is to his
personal power. A man's response to not being appreciated is equivalent
to what a woman experiences when a man judges or invalidates her feelings,
needs, wishes, and rights. When a woman begins to pick his behavior apart -- criticizing
the way that he does things, correcting his thinking, challenging his decisions,
and being dissatisfied with what he provides for her -- a man loses his power.
He retaliates with negative, demeaning judgments. He will disrespect and
withdraw from her. He is drained of the magical power that her loving
appreciation gives him.
a man is appreciated by a woman, nothing can get him down for long. Being
appreciated is a male's primary need. It lets him know that he can make a difference;
he measures his worth through his ability to make a positive difference in
the lives of others. Appreciation becomes a fuel that motivates his every
when he is unable to resolve his problems at work, if he can come home
to a grateful and happy wife, his stress from work can be more easily released.
The strongest drive
in a man is the desire to please a woman. This willful desire gives him power.
It first manifests as the sex drive, then later, as he is able to blend it with
the desire to love, respect, understand, and care for a woman, it becomes
even more powerful. When a man can be appreciated physically, mentally, emotionally
and spiritually, then his power is at a maximum.
When a man is "accepted,"
he is received willingly. This attitude cultivates a man's belief in his abilities. When a man's actions are unconditionally accepted, he then feels free to explore
ways that he can improve those actions.
this reason, acceptance is the basis of behavioral changes in a relationship.
The need for acceptance is especially important for men. Sometimes a woman appears to accept a man
based upon his potential; however, this is not true acceptance. She is waiting
for the day when he will change and then she will be able to truly accept him.
But men need to be accepted for who they are today, not who they will be tomorrow.
A man will tend to become stubborn and resistant to change when he senses
that he is not being accepted.
When a woman does
not accept a man, she will feel compelled to change him. She will tend to
offer suggestions that will assist him in changing, even when he has not asked.
Some men are open to suggestions as long as they have requested them, but
a man typically feels unaccepted when a woman is preoccupied with changing
him or "improving" him. She imagines that she is respecting
his needs by wanting to help, but this makes him feel disrespected, manipulated and unaccepted.
When a man does not feel accepted, he will unconsciously or consciously resist
A man is motivated
to change by hearing and understanding a woman's feelings and needs. When
he senses that his attempts to support her will be welcomed and appreciated,
then he is easily inspired to fulfill her wishes. Her acceptance ensures that,
if he fails, he will not be disapproved of, but will be willingly received
with some gratitude for his efforts.
him to feel that who he is today is enough to please and satisfy his mate.
With this kind of confidence, he is more willing and able to give his partner
the respect and understanding that she deserves. Most women do not know this secret
about men. They mistakenly believe that the way to motivate a man to change
is to complain, nag, or disapprove. When a man feels his imperfections are
unaccepted, it may take days before he can come back to his true, giving self.
of the ways that a man unconsciously or consciously gets revenge for his partner's
non-acceptance is to repeat the very behavior that she resists.
A woman does not
understand this because, when a man does not accept her behavior, one of
her first reactions is to change or improve her behavior. In this respect,
women are more secure then men; they can listen to feedback about ways that they
can improve their behavior without as much resistance, sensitivity, or defensiveness.
Certainly a man can take feedback, but he needs to be feeling good about himself
and be willing to hear it. Rarely is it effective to give unrequested criticism
or advice to a man.
man is sensitive to correction when he is feeling his need to be accepted;
if he already feels accepted, he can easily take the feedback.
The Man Needs to be Trusted
Trust is a firm
belief in the ability, honesty, integrity, and sincerity of another person.
The need to be trusted is the need for an acknowledgement from your partner
that you are a "good" person -- upstanding, you might say. When
your trust is absent, people consistently jump to the wrong, negative conclusion
regarding a person's intent; whereas trust gives every offense the benefit
of the doubt.
says, "There must be some good explanation as to why this happened."
Trust grows in
a relationship when each partner recognizes that the other does not intend
to hurt, but instead seeks to support.
Trust is the third
primary need for a man. To approach a man for support, acting trusting is
to approach him with the attitude that he can, and will, help. On the other
hand, to ask for help without trust is to reject him before he has a chance.
When he is not trusted, he will automatically begin to withdraw. Not only
does lack of trust make it very difficult for him to respond, but it offends
and often hurts him.
is a woman's trust in a man that draws him to her.
When a woman is
trusting of a man, she is able to draw out the best in him. Of course, if
she trusts him to be perfect, he will let her down. But if she trusts that
he can, and will, help, then he gets the message that he is of value and that
his best is enough for her to accept and appreciate him. Her trust will draw increasing greatness
out of him. Through a woman's loving trust, a man is
supported in realizing his powers, abilities, skills and talents.
When her partner
is not supporting her, trust allows a woman to assume that there must be some
logical reason, and that when she lets him know her needs, he will respond
to the best of his ability.
When a woman trusts
a man, she feels safe to share her vulnerable feelings. If this man is indeed
worthy of her trust, he will be greatly empowered by her trusting him to support
her at such a delicate time.
A trusting woman
also intuits how much a man can support her, and doesn't demand or expect
more. She is able to appreciate and accept what she gets. She does not naively
go around sharing her vulnerability with anyone. At the same time, she does
not withhold her vulnerability from the people who are truly trustworthy.
The issue of trust
can make communication very difficult. Say a woman doesn't trust a man with
her delicate feelings. If she decides to test the waters by sharing a more
diluted version of her feelings, a man will sense that he is not being trusted
and he will begin to withdraw. She then concludes, "Since these diluted feelings
turned him off, I'm sure glad I didn't share them all."
she had been more honest, he would have been more receptive.
There is a time
when a man is not put off by her lack of trust, especially at the beginning
of a relationship, but a man will generally withdraw when a woman takes back a
trust that she had previously bestowed. When a woman doesn't fully trust
a man, it serves as a challenge for him to prove himself. If he has never
tasted the nectar of her trust, he will patiently seek to prove his worthiness. If she has opened herself to him and trusted him fully and then, due to
some disappointment, she begins to mistrust, he feels as though something has
been taken away. In an indirect way, he is wounded emotionally.
Many times, a woman
will withhold her feelings because she is afraid that her partner is not really
interested. She rationalizes her uncommunicativeness by making some excuse
for him, but inside she doubts that he would respond caringly to her feelings. She may end up denying her needs, thinking that she is avoiding rejection.
In reality, she has built a wall between them.
When a woman doesn't
trust a man's loving intent and does not give him a chance to be her knight
in shining armor again, she prevents him from being attracted to her. It
is the trusting glimmer in a woman's eye that enchants a man out of his self-absorption
and inspires him to respond to her needs.
It is a woman's
responsibility to find, again and again, that trusting part of her. But men
have to share in this responsibility by earning a woman's trust. If a man
hurts a woman without apologizing, he is unknowingly building walls. Most
of the time, a man doesn't realize the importance of compassion or an apology.
It is a woman's responsibility to let a man know what she needs to hear.
Although a man's
primary needs are to be loved, appreciated, accepted and trusted, he also
shares the needs of caring, understanding, and respect -- they are just secondary